Thursday, 12 December 2013

Taking a break

I have decided to take a break from blogging.
I have been thinking about the direction of this blog for a while: why I am blogging, should I write about everything I think about writing about, should I focus only on healthcare (and bad hymns) (and mental illness) (and books), etc. However, since Advent began (and with the incessant bombardment that is seasonal advertising) I have realised that whilst I am not annoyed that I am a Christian, I am annoyed that everyone else isn't. I am angry that other people don't love and respect God: they forget his birthday, they cut him out of everything, they sleep around, they lie and cheat and start wars and kill babies, they ignore him at mass, they don't make a place for him in their hearts...and neither do I. There is nothing righteous or motivating about this anger. It is just anger. And impatience. And, let's face it, pride. Blogging involves looking at what's going on and passing comment. There is much more to say when what's going on is wrong or bad or silly. Right now, this means that I get more angry and impatient.
This is all bound up with recovering from depression. With depression, the world is the inside of your head in any given moment. As you get better, it expands to the size of the room you're in, the people who are in it, maybe the building, perhaps the street, perhaps for this hour, this morning, today, this week. I feel like I am waking up after spending 2 years as a zombie and I have all these new criteria for seeing, for understanding, for loving, but mostly I am just really angry. It is possible, I know, to be angry about something in a more detached way. It is possible for anger to be channelled against what is wrong in a useful way. I am not up to it. I need to calm down a bit first.
I enjoy blogging, and I like to think that I have got something to offer in the blogosphere, but right now it's not helping me grow in holiness. But I will be back because, apart from anything else, there is nothing edifying about this nativity set whatsoever  -
- and I am sufficiently opinionated to tell the world. Possibly the fact that I have always disliked Jenga isn't helping.
In the mean time, I wish you all a blessed Advent.